


Failings of a Perfect Family

by Transdodds



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Minor Character Death, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-21 04:43:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17636207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Transdodds/pseuds/Transdodds
Summary: At his younger brothers funeral Mike can't help but think about all the ways Matt was failed by the world, by his family, and by him.





	Failings of a Perfect Family

The funeral was a quiet affair and Mike couldn’t help but think about how different it was from what he had heard his own funeral had been like. No rows of saluting officers or a packed church or commemorations in newspapers. Instead all Matt got was Mike, a funeral director and a woman he hadn’t seen in years.

Mike wondered if her presence was another difference from his own funeral. He wouldn’t be surprised if it was. Matt had always been her favourite, which was why her leaving had been so awful. He knew he shouldn’t blame her for leaving, that it had been a suffocating situation and she was right to get out. But he couldn’t let go of the resentment that had been burning since the day his father had told them their mother had left.

Everything had gotten so much worse after that. His father had become even stricter, determined to prove that even after the divorce he still had a perfect family. And Matt, Matt hadn’t been used to their father, not in the way Mike was. Mike had been the oldest, the heir to the Dodds legacy, he was used to the constant pressure his father put on him. But Matt, Matt had slightly less stress and his mothers love, he wasn’t used to a lack of praise, wasn’t used to no one coming to gently wipe away his tears, and instead being mocked for showing even a sliver of emotion. 

And Mike had tried his best to protect him. He had tried to take the blame for when Matt messed up, had tried to comfort him as best as he could. Tried to do his best to give him the childhood he deserved, the one Mike had never had, because he knew Matt couldn’t survive like Mike had learned to.

But he had only been a child, there had only been so much he could do. And he knew that part of his hatred for his mother came from a desire to ignore his own guilt. An attempt to try and deny the ways he knew he had failed. It was easier to instead put all that guilt on someone he barely knew. Easier than accepting that he was as much at fault as she was. If not more. He had been there, he had the chance to actually do something. He had been able to see Matt spiralling right in front of his eyes, but all he had done was follow the orders his father gave him. Talked to the officers, got it taken off the record, and then put Matt back where he had found him. He’d put his fathers perfect image in front of getting Matt the help he needed, and in some ways that made him just as bad as his father. Just as heartless.

The coffin was lowered into the ground and Mike hoped that somehow this would be enough to make up for everything he had done while helping his father hide the family disappointment. Because there was no way his father could deny his existence now, not with Matt buried in the family plot, the Dodds name emblazoned on his stone. His father had refused to go to the funeral, but Mike had been determined to make sure he couldn’t completely deny his sons existence. He’d threatened to go to the media, to talk about the dangers of addiction, to make sure Matt Dodds’ name was on everyone's lips. His father probably hadn’t been sure if he was bluffing or not, but the risk was too great to take. Having already been painted as a true American hero after his faked death, his return had simply fed the myth of the perfect patriot, ready to give up everything for his country. Mike hated the way his story was being used to lure kids into hell, but he also knew it was a powerful tool, and his father seemed to have realised it as well, giving in and allowing Matt to be buried the way he deserved.

But even this seemed less than what Matt really deserved, an empty gesture. And as the service came to a close Mike couldn’t help but feel that there should be something bigger to show that Matt was gone. Something bigger to show just how much the whole world had failed him, but especially his family. But instead all he got was a stone and a small bouquet of flowers and that was it.

Mike turned to leave, to go to the gym and attempt to take out everything he was feeling on a punching bag. But before he could walk away he was stopped by a gentle hand on his shoulder, and he tried not to flinch from the unexpected contact.

“I was thinking we could go to lunch together, exchange stories about Matt, catch up”

And at that all the anger Mike had been feeling for so long came out. “What, you figured you had failed with one of us, but maybe it would work out with me, maybe this time being a mother would work out? Well, I don’t need a mother anymore, and I don’t want a nice meal. You know when I could have used some good food? When I was fourteen and Matt was just turning eleven. He had a few too many cookies at some function, and the resulting sugar high led to him behaving like the kid he was. Which was not acceptable to dad, so in an attempt to teach him a lesson he restricted his meals, decided it would balance out Matt eating so much before. We could have used a nice meal then, when I was trying to sneak food to Matt, starving myself to make sure he had enough, and when I got caught, well dad isn’t exactly fond of disobedience. That's when we needed food and a parent who cared. But hey, at least now you have a nice little story about Matt. Or, as you want to catch up so much we could talk about the first time my father got the call that Matt had been arrested for possession. He was so angry, it wasn’t exactly surprising I got a call only a month later that Matt was in hospital, overdose. He seemed to have learnt his lesson against calling dad, started going to me for help instead. Of course that didn’t make much of a difference, dad always heard about it. Are those the kinds of stories you wanted to hear?” Mike said, years of anger and fear and guilt and pain coming out in a way he so rarely allowed. Mike was about to storm off, leave his mother in the past, when she caught him by the arm.

“I’m sorry” She whispered, voice hoarse and cheeks wet. Mike hadn’t even realised he had reduced her to tears, but now he could see clearly just how affected she was. It made his heart ache just slightly, sympathy managing to reach it beneath layers and layers of resentment. So he stayed where he was, instead of breaking free from her grip the way he knew he easily could.

“I didn’t want to leave you with him, but I couldn’t stay.” She said.

“You could have fought harder” Mike said, his voice quieter now, matching the soft tone of his mother. “The mom almost always gets custody rights. You didn’t even try.”

“He had a steady income, he was an upstanding member of the community, and you know how well he can play a part, he just loves his kids, just loves me, and doesn’t understand why I’m doing this to him. It wasn’t as simple as you think it was. Especially because…” She trailed off and Mike urged her to continue. “I was seeing a therapist, it would be all too easy to paint me as unstable. It was a losing battle.”

Mike nodded, he didn’t ask again why she still didn’t try. The idea of facing his father in a courtroom seemed nightmarish, and as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t keep blaming her for not wanting to go through that.

She took his nod as encouragement and asked again “Please, come to lunch with me, or to the park, or anywhere. Just, mourn with me. Please”

And with that last whispered please Mike couldn’t keep seeing her simply as the person who had abandoned them, he couldn’t keep clinging on to the archetype he had created in an attempt to deal with what had happened. All he could see in front of him was a person, someone hurting. A mother who had just had to bury one of her children and was trying to cope as best as she could.

So he nodded again, not able to speak, knowing if he did it would come out too close to a forgiveness he wasn’t ready to give. But he took Ingrid's hand in his and let her lead him to a nearby cafe and made an effort to at least try and work towards that forgiveness, in the hopes that one day he would be ready. And one day he would get just a small part of his family back.


End file.
